I just realized, two days ago would have been my fifteenth wedding anniversary.
I wonder if she remembered.
I wouldn't have except someone asked me how long ago I was divorced and in thinking about that I made my discovery. I still can't remember the exact date of the divorce, I tend to forget the more painful memories. I'm sure its written down somewhere.
The embarrassing part is that I was talking to someone I had met a few days ago and was going to ask out. I'm not sure how it sounded to her when I blurted out, after a long thoughtful pause, that it was my fifteenth anniversary, but I think I can peg the awkward silences and sudden lack of connection to that point in the conversation. Or maybe it was when I said I didn't like Nashville-Country-Pop and If I was in the mood for country I preferred Hank Williams III, the Dexateens, and Drive-by Truckers. Perhaps it was when I commented that I didn't believe God had any specific plan for our lives, or, while he wasn't any Jesus, I respected the Buddha, or that I never told my kids about Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny (Who brings you presents? DADY does!!) or when I tried to explain my family, or..... Damn.
My question is, why do we keep trying? Why this need, this compulsion for community? For love? I have a good group of friends whom I love, and most of the time I am quite content being single but then, here I am, talking to some female and I have to ask her out. Due to nature, nurture and a life of experiences I am an odd person. I'll admit, I have a world-view that is somewhat different from the average hoosier. I am not a catch for a local Indiana girl who loves horses, corn fields, Melloncamp, and has no other aspirations than someday retiring to Florida. Neither the evangelicals nor the party hamsters. Never finished school so I'm not really an intellectual, but as a former girlfriend once told me "you think too much, why can't you just accept things" But I keep trying to connect even when I know it's not gonna work. Vanity, vanity...
So here is to love gained and love lost, to all the love past and to all that is to come. And to my friend, the mother of my children, we had some good times and I wouldn't trade those for anything. Happy anniversary.
6 comments:
there is that ever present push and pull for community that we just don't get. or understanding. or something beyond ourselves. I know people have tried to classify it as a "G-d hole" but I think it's even beyond that because I've seen people try to fill it with religion and that won't even satisfy.
once you think you've arrived at the answer, that is when you start dying and losing the joy of life. and no one likes being around a cranky know-it-all.
and so we are stuck with chasing the wind and philosophy. "why can't you just accept things as they are?" because it's all just smoke and mirrors when you accept things as they seem.
man, I could be a buddhist. but I'll stick with being a mystical xtian.
life is mysterious. enjoy it, even if it does cause moments of brief sanity as you're finding out.
happy anniversary...
when you find someone you connect with... she'll understand your anniversary thoughts... and like that you think so much.
you just haven't met the right gal yet. (she'll appreciate the uniqueness of you - not call you on it and tell you that you think too much).
keep looking... keep asking...
knock, my brother, and ye shall find.
:)
Please remember, there's nothing wrong with us... when there is incompatibility. incompatibility is a dynamic between 2 people - not the "fault" of one.
;)
Happy anniversary,
"LeeLee"
Hi,
Are you the one who sent me the response about the pastor thing on the Wittenburg Door website? If you are, can you contact me? ndc4jc@hotmail.com
It would be cool to talk to you about your blog entry and the response about the pastor thing.
Thanks!
Nancy
Yo dude, this is your note from that calvinist doug. You said you had something for me?
I hope I did this correctly. My non-blogging self isn't too good at this new fangled technology and what not.
check out the facebook group The Wittenburg Dorks.
This is one of the most powerful posts I have read in a long time. Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest.
The first two lines I will remember for months, if not years to come.
Hopefully you get this comment, its been over four years since you wrote...pity.
Would like to have a conversation about your thoughts on life if you are willing. My name is Brownrygg Woolls just look me up on Facebook...I should be the only one.
All the best to you man.
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